SO what is it? is it that i just love drama? i like getting hurt. that cant be it what person in the right mind would want that for themselves. I just dont understand. He hurts me but not physically so i cant hurt him physically, emotionally he gets me every which way he has power over me, and i think he knows it. He doesnt want me to get him anything, is it because he doesnt want to get attached to me? am i really that bad of a person why do I deserve this. GOD, please tell me what i have done to deserve this?? there are worse people in the world and yet here i am struggling to choose between life and death. it sounds all the more sweeter to just get away cause i know this isnt the end of the line, if i keep on living, there will be much more heartbreak in store for me, so whats the point, cant you just save me lord? save me from all this hurt, just take me away? I dont know how much more i can take. My own mother isnt even talking to me. SO WHAT... im dead inside.... i hate this

mmm...

again... again... again...
why does it happen to me? why do make this mistake... why cant i just say? NOTICE ME. no that would be selfish, to want him to talk to me.

its selfish that i want to be the first thing on his mind, i want to be the last thing on his mind, like he is in mine but that would be selfish. i hate wondering whos on his mind sometimes, i hate wondering if thats the moment he tells me im not the one for him.

is it that bad of me to be a priority in his life? i guess so. so i wont anymore, ill just sit here in stupid san diego and just watch from afar. i wont try anymore, i dont want to try anymore. i want to feel happy again. why is it that a year ago around this time i was happy? and now? everything has gone downhill i dont know anyone, no one knows me. im alone in this world and im too afraid to turn to anyone.

im done

so hmm... lately everything just been... confusing
i want so much more out of everything
i shouldnt feel the way i do about my family but the thing is i do. I love them yes. they gave me food, they gave me clothes and most of all they've given me shelter. and i do thank that
but i dont understand is how they can give me everything which i appreciate but everything i do... to them apparently doesnt deserve a simple thank you. even if its done wrong. why dont i get reimbursed? why is it me whose always losing money, eversince i was a child, maybe i still am and thats why im being treated the way i am.

friends arent so much better. because every attempt, all my effort has gone down the drain. in the end its all just a failed "mission" so i decided not to try anymore with them. if they even want my friendship all they have to do is say the word... too bad no one has said it yet.

the only thing i have is my boyfriend... i love him. and i miss him terribly. i hate that hes so far away, that all these other couples around me have it so much easier... i could be happy, but my happiness is across the country

aparently this blog is not done.
So many things have happened is just how many months Yes i am back with RJ even when i said i would NEVER EVER go back out with him... but my heart was just telling me to go with it. and i love him. no matter how bad things got, he was always on my mind he was always there, i just knew i couldnt lose him. I want him. and as selfish as that sounds im happy i got my way.

ill finish later

well obviously Distance has everything to do with love... odd
Anywho it was nice while it lasted but ive decided that i have to start letting go, ive accepted the fact that shes in his life now ya know?
Its okay im okay.... i think

close blog..